At my psychologist appointment last week my psychologist told me that she thinks I am doing well and that she doesn’t need to see me on a regular basis. She will still be available for emergency appointments or if I need her. While logical me is fine with this, she is very in demand and has a waiting list, others should get a turn etc. There is a very large part of me that has the same sensation as the first time you realise your Dad is no longer holding on to the back of the bike seat, and I’m really not sure how the brakes work.
There is the whole exhilaration of doing it by myself, of growing up and getting more freedoms, there is also the screaming terror that someone has taken away one of my safety nets and advice on demand.
I have felt a change in myself in the last few days though. Someone believes in me. They believe that I can make it in this world that was not designed for me, that I can succeed all by myself (will a little help from family and friends). I feel that I am becoming more of me again. The me that I can remember that used to be able to do stuff, that could go to the shops and get myself fed when hungry. The me that could function. The me before I burnt out so badly.
There is still a lot of processing to happen around this. It is very scary because it was also the me that did the things that led to me being so badly burnt out.
But I have friends now, real friends, ones that truly get me, because they are autistic too. And even though no two of us are the same, we are alike enough in needs and deeds and life experience to know how to support each other.
Having friends you know you can trust is a truly amazing thing. We are actually planning a girls weekend away. How’s that for blasting away a whole heap of stereotypes on autism. We have criteria / rules. We must get a bedroom each (our safe / quiet space) and we must do it autistically. We can say no to group activities, we can do stuff by ourselves, we do what we need to do as individuals, but we will be doing it together. Now we just need the latest rolling lockdowns to be over so that we can put our plans into action.