So many mornings I have woken with the best of intentions and ‘write something on my blog’ on my to do list. So many days I haven’t written (obviously).
Life has gotten busy. I have a job, part time casual, the hours vary and I am learning to live with that. The facebook group for local people has had a couple of informal catch ups (which I organised because I want to meet people). I am an active member of a local autism Community of Practice which does online presentations which I have helped with (in the background).
I am learning to balance my needs and wants with realistic expectations. I am learning a lot about myself from a new perspective. Some things I would have previously persevered with I now let go, realising they are not meant to be or just not for me. It has not all been a bed of roses. There have been meltdowns (2 in the last week – too many hours at work – learning to say no thank you). The first I managed to bounce back quickly from (I thought) the second (the following day) turned out to be an all day drama. Once again, I thank my husband for his support and love, and trying to understand things I either can’t articulate or don’t understand myself.
Saying no to a job. My job provider found me a ‘wonderful job that meets my experience and skills’. Because I have an official disability they get a nice little kick back if they get me into work. I had already gotten the job I am now working but was waiting a month until they were organised for the next training intake. Anyway, this wonderful job was in the industry I have spent the last 10 years trying to get out of, it has a partial customer focus, and because the business had a couple of people leave they were changing the position duties, start date and other things even before I started. So many (can’t think of the word I want – kind of omens, warning signs, knowledge from previous experience) red flags sending my stress levels sky high. Said no thank you to the job, in combination with ……
Resigning from JobSeeker. Nope, not because I got an amazing high paying job or won the lottery. Because I realised the mutual obligations were causing me serious stress. Combined stress caused by:
– feeling I couldn’t say no to the above job because if you say no to a job they can cut you off anyway
– minimum hours of work. Someone decided I can work at least 23 hours a week. I say maybe depending on the job. I am realising in the job I have (which I am loving) that over 25 hours is too much. I don’t have work life balance and I do have meltdowns.
– having to apply for jobs even though I have one (the magic 23 hours a week, if I don’t hit that I have to apply for a set number of jobs a fortnight. Even if I meet the magic hours they don’t have to waive the job hunting requirement if they don’t want to)
– the above jobs do not have to meet my needs. I have to apply for jobs that my qualifications say I can do (the same sort of jobs that burnt me out and left me with no hope of work life balance)
– meeting the selection criteria for the unsuitable jobs that I don’t want. Apparently anyone autistic will understand that one even if it is a suitable job that they really really want (once again in the category ‘things I wish I had known before I got an autism diagnosis’)
Really wanted that to be bullets points but can’t find anywhere to format as such.
Saying no to overtime shifts. Seriously, this is a big one for me. The feelings of letting other people down are intense. I will prioritise other people over myself to my own detriment. Saying no to the extra hours (and the extra money) is huge for me. And I have done it twice.(Gold star, happy smiley face)
So, life is changing, I am learning. Things are mostly positive. I am prioritising my needs. I am learning what those needs are. As I get better at this whole life thing and get the balance working I hope I will write more regularly again.