Cat on the Wrong Side of a Revolving Door

Today is one of those days.

My husband walks into the room I am in. ‘Do not see me, do not acknowledge me, do not talk to me’. He does what he needs to do and leaves ‘Why are you ignoring me?’

I managed to keep this in my head, but explain to him what is going on. Luckily today is one of the days he can laugh about it. I would love to laugh about it but it is me that it is happening to.

I feel like I am on the cusp of something happening, but what can happen with Covid restrictions on a cold and rainy day. Its not quite cabin fever, I don’t think I actually want to do anything. Maybe it is frustration that the not doing anything is not my choice.

I have the munchies. I have no idea what I want to eat. I am not hungry. Part of it is comfort in the motion of hand to mouth, I guess it is similar for those quitting smoking. Part of it is my mouth wanting a particular flavour or texture. The ‘mouth feel’ of a particular food, but I have no idea of the food or the feel. Word of warning, when you are in a mood like this and your husband is in a mood that finds it amusing, DO NOT ask him what you can put in your mouth that wont make you fat.

I have to admit, dealing with today is easier than it would have been before I ever suspected I was autistic. I can almost laugh at it. Before I would have acted on my moods. There would have been a huge fight, because he must have done something to make me feel this way. That makes me sad. The amount of time I have wasted yelling at my husband for things he didn’t do. And not like he didn’t put the toilet seat down or something, he did nothing wrong, it was my mood that was wrong.

And now I feel sadder, but the contrary mood fades. No regrets, because all of my choices in life and my actions were based on information I had at the time. But if I had even the slightest hint I was autistic, and what that meant, so much of my life could have been so different. I love where my life is at, but it would be so nice if my life felt like it was more.

My prickly cat has lost interest and wanders away to find something else to do. Nothing has happened, I have not done anything, so why do I now feel so exhausted?