All my life I have been using other people as the yard stick for what I should be able to do, and even what I should want to do. More to the point, I have been using other women as the yard stick. Maybe not all women, not the really girly ones, I had to be a little realistic with my expectations.
I should be able to talk to people, to make idle chit chat, to talk about boyfriends and babies and make-up. (ok reality check, makeup was never going to happen with me, it smeared on my glasses – that was my excuse and I was sticking with it)
I should want to go to parties, to meet people, to chat up guys and flirt. (I didn’t mind talking to guys, they didn’t want to do idle chit chat about boys, babies or make-up).
I shouldn’t just want to talk about babies, I should be clucky, and want them. Babies should be the ultimate aim of my life. The dating, boyfriends and all the other stuff was just a way to get to the BABY.
I should be able to work at jobs that were people focused. OTHER PEOPLE focused that is. I should be nurturing and caring and do everything for others as if they were incapable of doing for themselves.
I should get a job as a nurse, a teacher, a receptionist. I should help solve other people problems all day. I was good at solving problems, good at listening to people, I should make it part of my career.
Oh yes, I should have a career. Not just a job. I should want to make something of myself. I should have goals and ambitions. I should network and climb the corporate ladder. I should manage people, middle management. I should look after the people below me while meeting the goals and expectations of those above me.
And as I do all of these things I should be happy, outgoing, energetic. I should have hobbies, socialise. Go out for coffee with the girls. I should be all things to all people. Well, not all things but certainly the things they need me to be.
So, what is the best thing about bashing your head against a brick wall? IT FEELS SO DAMN GOOD WHEN YOU STOP.