Ok, I’m new to blogging, and new to the idea that I might have Autism. I will be working both out as I go. At the moment my brain is a little prefried. I have so much background processing going on as my brain is putting sticky notes on all my index cards that will need to be changed if I end up with a diagnosis.
Last Thursday, only 4 days ago, I finally googled to see if there was an online test for Autism. There are quite a few of them, I did 6 different ones, they all came back that I may be on the spectrum. I googled Autism a bit. Someone has been following me around my whole life, taking notes, listing the things I do, think and am, and put them on the websites under the heading ‘Autism’.
A bit of background
I am a 51 year old female. Even though I only did it four days ago, I can not remember the reason I wanted to find the Autism tests for myself. I don’t present as I thought Autism was. I don’t think I am like Sheldon on Big Bang Theory. I don’t have, and can not recollect having, an intense interest in any one subject, especially to the exclusion of others.
For quite a while I have felt that I am broken, something of a midlife crisis, I have lost myself and have no idea of who I am, who I am supposed to be or even who I want to be. I have felt so stuck and unable to move. There are a whole heap of events that I can blame for getting me there, but I could not find a way to move again.
I have been medically diagnosed with depression / anxiety. I have been medically diagnosed with hypoglycemia. I don’t know if that is relevant. I have self diagnosed as an introvert, I feel that one doesn’t require a medical degree.
I have previously come across articles on PTSD, and while I felt I matched a lot of the symptoms and behaviours, I could never work out the T that would be the cause of the SD, even for the new research that the T can be a series of events or something ongoing.
The behaviours
So, a lot of my behaviours can be written off as other things if you ask Dr Google, so why do I think I have Autism apart from those quizzes? Its a lot of the other things that I would never have thought had anything to do with anything, and certainly not to do with each other, that has me convinced that I need to chase this diagnosis when I have ignored other paths.
- Smell sensitive – I am like a canary in the coal mine, I can smell the milk going off days before the rest of my family. I can’t stand most perfumes, and don’t get me started on the gag reflex when it comes to the garbage bin. From about a year old I could not change my daughters nappies, I would be dry retching so loud I would wake up my night shift working husband and he would have to come and change her just so he could get back to sleep.
- Noise sensitive – please turn that down, it is just yelling at me
- Touch sensitive – while there are a lot of materials and clothes I don’t wear because I don’t like the feel of them, the real kicker for me is cotton wool balls. I can not touch them. I can not have them touch me. It is like fingers down a chalk board. This is very amusing to my husband, who has, on occasion, chased me around the house holding a cotton wool ball. Strange side note that may be TMI, I wear my underpants inside out so the seams don’t annoy me.
- Side effects to medication – this one surprised me as part of a diagnosis. I have always been more likely to have the side effects from medications than the cure. I do not take meds for that reason. I was on the pill for 3 years, I tried 12 different types, all had side effects that were just not livable. I didn’t get pregnant on the pill, but given some of the side effects it wasn’t surprising.
- Sitting on your hands – seriously, how is this a symptom of a medical condition, but it is something I do.
So, yes, while I may be able to write some of the behaviours off to other things, my childhood environment, learnt behaviours, stress, anxiety, introversion etc. I could not deny the above, so, tomorrow I am going to go and see a local support group and find out where I from here.
I'm not broken 